I used to write all the time. I used to complain about my days, ramble about momentary life changing epiphanies, question social norms. . .all through the lens of a cynical young women, feeling through the darkness of adulthood, searching for answers to lead her into brightness, sanity. . .happiness. Then I stopped writing. Even though it's all I ever wanted to do, even if I was never that good at it.
Someone suggested my writing was bringing me down, keeping me down. When I slandered a day or a person for someone inconsequential it fed my depression. But wasn't writing supposed to be therapeutic?
What I feel right now is severe sadness and writing about it, that's what is making me feel better. I am calming down. Tears are not being rationed. My emotions are flowing. Even if you aren't paying attention, someone else might be.
Lately everything is a reminder of how stagnant I am, how negative I am and how it blocks any progress. I hate my job working in retail. I make no money as a clothes folder. I clean up after people who can afford to dress in fun outfits to go out and socialize in. I hate my internship where I've made no connections and have been very minimally inspired. And I get no compensation whatsoever.
So, do I quit my job and replace it with another menial job? Do I quit my internship and replace it with another lackluster internship in hopes of building my resume?
What hurts a lot right now, which I'm trying to get past, is that I had an opportunity, that I researched, but I passed it up and someone else took it. Someone else completely qualified and completely worthy. And I have to sit and watch them reap the benefits, glisten with happiness. It hurts because I keep sabotaging myself. It hurts because I know I'm supposed to be filled with joy for someone else who has a chance to do something so great. But I can't stop kicking myself. I can't stop wondering when I'm going to take a chance. I can't stop wondering when something is going to bring me joy again.
It hurts really bad and I don't know how to stop this slow this mind numbing defeat. The future looks so dim.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Saturday, March 17, 2007
I miss them.
The weather has been beautiful the past week. Sunny days, despite acute allergies, can make any person smile. The only thing I'm missing are those $350 Chanel sunglasses I had last summer. I realize returning them lessened any potential financial burnouts I might have encountered beforing moving, but still, they were so hot, so classy. . .soooo essential for the sunny weather.
Friday, March 9, 2007
Reintroducing myself. . .
It's been so long since I've posted. It's been even longer since I've posted something good. And I suppose you will have to wait longer for something good, but at least you get something today. A mish mash of sorts.
Today during my internship in SF I took my lunch by the bay. I sat wearing a jean jacket and a blue scarf, the book Wicked opened to a page I'd already scanned 4 times and an empty Jamba Juice cup guarded from the breeze between my two feet. I slouched, which is guilty pleasure I allow myself during my lunch breaks, and stared out at the sail boats and sea kayakers. Treasure Island was visible across the expanse of the calm waters.
And it struck me, as it has many times before, I live in California. It's not just a geographical change or a evolution of my identity, but it's just WEIRD. I'm waiting for my epiphanies that others would appropriately deem inconsquential to become more frequent, because I think then reality would set in, that the excitement of living in a warm climate with exotic foliage, the wonderment of being enraptured by a town of hippies neighboring a city of hipsters. . .This is my life now. This is my life today.
Sometimes events and feelings and moments and interactions become so overwhelming. Things become so difficult in my mind that I want to start over. I want to move to Providence, I want to move to Florence, I want to move to Charleston, I move to Berkeley. . .But I need to learn to how to become part of this community like I learned how to cross the street. I need to Stop-look-and-listen. Pay attention.This week was difficult. My ego that I confused as strong showed it's actual weakness when it was prematurely pruned by some unwelcome pruners (aka jerks). With an already unstable mental and emotional states I took a few more hits all in the name of self-discovery. What did I discover? Everything every grandmother, teacher and After School Special has already told me: Be yourself, you're special and 'sticks and stones. . .'
Paying attention and restoring my self confidence are goals I can't seem to attain easily. And while some outsiders may criticize my attempts at resurrecting a lost soul, I think that I've been trying harder than usual. The results might not be seen by the naked eye, but the progress I can see is something I'm proud of. The progress I want everyone to see is something I still need work on. One thing you don't that I've learned is, I need your help too. Realizing that is a big step on my endless journey of self discovery.
Today during my internship in SF I took my lunch by the bay. I sat wearing a jean jacket and a blue scarf, the book Wicked opened to a page I'd already scanned 4 times and an empty Jamba Juice cup guarded from the breeze between my two feet. I slouched, which is guilty pleasure I allow myself during my lunch breaks, and stared out at the sail boats and sea kayakers. Treasure Island was visible across the expanse of the calm waters.
And it struck me, as it has many times before, I live in California. It's not just a geographical change or a evolution of my identity, but it's just WEIRD. I'm waiting for my epiphanies that others would appropriately deem inconsquential to become more frequent, because I think then reality would set in, that the excitement of living in a warm climate with exotic foliage, the wonderment of being enraptured by a town of hippies neighboring a city of hipsters. . .This is my life now. This is my life today.
Sometimes events and feelings and moments and interactions become so overwhelming. Things become so difficult in my mind that I want to start over. I want to move to Providence, I want to move to Florence, I want to move to Charleston, I move to Berkeley. . .But I need to learn to how to become part of this community like I learned how to cross the street. I need to Stop-look-and-listen. Pay attention.This week was difficult. My ego that I confused as strong showed it's actual weakness when it was prematurely pruned by some unwelcome pruners (aka jerks). With an already unstable mental and emotional states I took a few more hits all in the name of self-discovery. What did I discover? Everything every grandmother, teacher and After School Special has already told me: Be yourself, you're special and 'sticks and stones. . .'
Paying attention and restoring my self confidence are goals I can't seem to attain easily. And while some outsiders may criticize my attempts at resurrecting a lost soul, I think that I've been trying harder than usual. The results might not be seen by the naked eye, but the progress I can see is something I'm proud of. The progress I want everyone to see is something I still need work on. One thing you don't that I've learned is, I need your help too. Realizing that is a big step on my endless journey of self discovery.
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