Help me.

I used to write all the time. I used to complain about my days, ramble about momentary life changing epiphanies, question social norms. . .all through the lens of a cynical young women, feeling through the darkness of adulthood, searching for answers to lead her into brightness, sanity. . .happiness. Then I stopped writing. Even though it's all I ever wanted to do, even if I was never that good at it.

Someone suggested my writing was bringing me down, keeping me down. When I slandered a day or a person for someone inconsequential it fed my depression. But wasn't writing supposed to be therapeutic?

What I feel right now is severe sadness and writing about it, that's what is making me feel better. I am calming down. Tears are not being rationed. My emotions are flowing. Even if you aren't paying attention, someone else might be.

Lately everything is a reminder of how stagnant I am, how negative I am and how it blocks any progress. I hate my job working in retail. I make no money as a clothes folder. I clean up after people who can afford to dress in fun outfits to go out and socialize in. I hate my internship where I've made no connections and have been very minimally inspired. And I get no compensation whatsoever.

So, do I quit my job and replace it with another menial job? Do I quit my internship and replace it with another lackluster internship in hopes of building my resume?

What hurts a lot right now, which I'm trying to get past, is that I had an opportunity, that I researched, but I passed it up and someone else took it. Someone else completely qualified and completely worthy. And I have to sit and watch them reap the benefits, glisten with happiness. It hurts because I keep sabotaging myself. It hurts because I know I'm supposed to be filled with joy for someone else who has a chance to do something so great. But I can't stop kicking myself. I can't stop wondering when I'm going to take a chance. I can't stop wondering when something is going to bring me joy again.

It hurts really bad and I don't know how to stop this slow this mind numbing defeat. The future looks so dim.