Easy does it.

Somehow last week I pulled myself together. After being dumped in a cruel, arguably deserved, manner, I managed to live unencumbered. I went to the park with work friends, I went to brunch with my roommates and I tanned solo under the sun at Stinson Beach. All of this I did without feeling like I should be somewhere else.

Last week I realized how I much I suffocatingly needed my boyfriend. My routines were planned around his routines, my emotions based on whether he satisfied my sometimes superfluous "needs". My love for him turned intoxicatingly pathetic. When he made it so easy for me to leave him based on his supposed actions (think: other woman), I felt lighter. I went to a few parties, I signed up for a writing class, I stopped wondering what I was going to do that day based on what he was going to do.

But why can't I be independent when I'm with him? Why did it become so harmful for me to be with him? Why did I lose myself in his world? When will I find a balance?

It's not easy being without someone you were a constant companion to and loved very deeply. It's not even enjoyable and that's why I wonder if this is right?

In other news. . .I went to a friend's party this past weekend. It was nice to get out and drink a few beers with a new crowd. But with new crowds are new conversations. Mixed with alcohol it veered towards sex. I was surprised by the nonchalance that everyone spoke about their escapades and especially shocked when there was casual kissing in front of a captive audience who threw their astonishment aside to continue rooting the couple along. It wasn't classless, per se, it was just so long since I had been in a similar situation. In college, I had been in that situation, I mean- I was even that situation. Perhaps even more surprising was I'm not that situation anymore and that I realized I had matured, even at the risk of being deemed a modest prude. However, aside for the brief awkwardness I encountered, I was having fun, watching my past follies being relived, maybe even relishing in a pseudo-pat on the back for calming down and finding joy in a fulfilling relationship. Who ever thought?