ho-hum.

Ten years ago this is not how I would have imagined my life. But then again, ten years ago I wasn't dealing with half the shit I'm dealing with now. I was happily working at a movie theater, happily volunteering on the weekends, happily playing school sports and happily living at home with my parents. Now I'm miserable at my retail job and miserable living in California. There is nothing distracting me from those two facets of my life. This is not the life I imagined I would be living and what's worse is I can't remember the happiness I imagined when I was 15 years old. I can't remember how I imagined my life's happiness.

All of my relationships are suffering.

My desire to write is suffering too. When I write I can only seem to detail my latest sadness. My vocabulary is limited to negatives. My sentences are fragmented, half-assed. Kind of like my life.

I want to get a grip, but I just can't. I feel everything falling down on me at once. I can't see the surface. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's so frustrating.