Fake it till you make it. . .and I'm making bad art.

My recent old boyfriend (ex is so harsh, no?) and I talked today after days of me ignoring him, selfishly to get over him as soon as I could. Though I knew bottling things up was probably detrimental, I continued to do so. Masking the pain would make it all disappear, right? I realize now that I was wrong and I'm so grateful for the emotional and comforting talk we had today. I still hurt, I still wonder and I still cry, but I just feel better. I guess that's what people who love one another do for each other. Thank you.

In other news, I've felt a surge of creative energy wash over me in the visual arts realm. While I have been writing more frequently I've also been trying to properly document my move, or "extended trip", to California properly. I've always felt that writing was like putting a puzzle together- stringing words along so they lock into each other tightly, creating a neatly put together form. When I was younger I used to be more adept at drawing and painting and collages, but grew discouraged when an art teacher questioned my skill. Dabbling in the visual arts realm is a trickier puzzle. But this past week I've been bored, but instead of wallowing I've been itching to make crap (um, er, I mean art?) like I used to. Take a crack at this new puzzle. On Friday nights I used to hole myself up in my room and make collages and homemade stationary and paint water colors while gaggles of my friends were out learning how to smoke joints and shot gun beers. It's the same sort of avoidance tactic. Hopefully the results are gratifying.

But don' confuse this preoccupation with giddy happiness. I'm still sad and hurt and heartbroken, as expected after a break up. I mean, c'mon, should I think that no one else goes through this? No. But it's hard to feel solidarity in a situation like this, because it's unique to me. I suppose I should just fake it till I make it. Right? Yeah. Fake happiness. Fake being an artist. Maybe one of them will actually happen eventually.