Just.

Why do I submit myself to 2am torture? Even after sleeping less than 4 hours the other night I am up again wondering if I made the right decision last week. For some reason, this time it hurts even more, more than all the other 5 bazillion times we broke up. Maybe because I know it's forever. Forever and ever and ever.

Last week it was easy. I worked and played and was tired and didn't have time to think about what had happened. Especially since it's practically routine; Get back together for a few days, break up for a week. I thought it would resolve itself. Or I thought that the turmoil we put each other this time would be enough for me to hate him. But when you become accustomed to certain slander you develop a certain resilience. Don't confuse this resilience with acceptance or pleasure, but just a thick skin to handle it, to take it, to overcome it.

He doesn't want me to ever write about him again, but how can I not? He was my existence for an entire year. I'm not slandering him, I just miss him. I miss him so much I go online to see if he's online. I check his MySpace to see who he's missing. And it's not me. And that's ok. I wish I could get over him so quickly. Then again, he was probably over me months ago. Detached from my mental instabilities and my scolds on how to live his life. Because I was so perfect. So perfect I didn't need to love someone else.

Sunday I was supposed to have a date. I met this boy at a bar and he called me two weeks later. He's getting his MFA in Creative Writing. Very handsome. He never called. He was going to be my Knight in Shining Rebound Armor, riding up on his horse named Distraction. I wasn't looking for sex or kisses or good conversation or a connection. Just a temporary distraction from all things "him." I hate this boy for not calling. Not because it was a blow to my ego- because it really wasn't- but just because he made me dwell on "him" all day.

A few years, maybe even a few months down the road I will see this week, these past months, as no big deal. Just a man I loved and a relationship that just didn't quite work. The blame will pass, the "we should haves" will disappear and hope for someone new will return. But.. . .It's weird how things can hit you so quickly, so forcefully, so unexpectedly. Like that earthquake last week. 4:42am and shake, rattle and roll. And all I wanted was "him" to hold me. I just want to forget him and stop aching.