Do I need to be committed?

Who I think I am, who I think people think I am, who I want to be and who I really am is all nonsense.

I think I am weak.

I think people think I am a push over and unworthy of attention. I think people think I am dumb and incapable.

The person I want to be, will never be. Because I have no real sense of values. I have no confidence. My goals are unattainable because my bearings are not straight.

And it is clear my recent events that I have no clue who I am. I did something so out of the character I thought I was that I am still in shock from my actions. The details are of no importance to readers, but let me just say I never thought I would do what I did. Until I was in the moment and mindlessly reacted.

All I can do is replay the event in my head with my mouth open wide in shock. I keep thinking, What the fuck? If I told anyone, they'd be shocked. But then I guess no one knows me that well, not even I, because apparently I am capable of things I never thought possible. Horrible things.

Depression is anger turned inward. That's what "experts" say. Since starting my prescription for mental and emotional stability a few months ago, I've immediately seen positive changes. Unfortunately the medicine's assistance has made me neglect my counseling, which I now realize is an essential tool in maintaining a positive mental state. For a month I've neglected my therapist and psychologist's phone calls checking in on my progress. "I'll call them tomorrow" has turned into I don't need them.

But after last night I realize I need them to sort out some things. My medication has been a cushion, but it won't make things comfortable for ever. I need extra padding. Therapy for a month has scratched the surface of a few issues I have, but last night I realize isolated incidents I brushed over in therapy might actually be slowly killing me and simultaneously ending important relationships with others.


This 'depression' I am dealing with, or however you want to call it, is strange. For me it started with extreme sadness, feelings of worthlessness and constant lethargy. There was lots of complaining and lots of frustration, with a few isolated incidents of anger. But now that the feelings of unnecessary sadness and the subsiding of worthless and lethargy have somewhat subsided with the assistance of medication. Yet frustration and anger still are sifting within me.

A lot of times I think it's wrong for me to get away with being angry and sad by saying I am someone who suffers from depression because everyone suffers from some sort of mental instability. Yet, when I take an inventory of my thoughts and behaviors I realize something is not right. Definitely not normal. Unstable at the least.

How did I get this way? How did things get so out of hand? How come people think counting to ten before reacting in a situation that angers you will actually work? How come it works for some people and not me? Where does this fury and fire within come from? Why is it so sporadic? When did it start? When did I become a crazy person?

What's going to happen to me?