hey y'all

There are many things one might assume would eliminate the pain, accentuate the positive. For example, floating underneath the warm Isle of Palm sun rays on a hot pink raft- a beautiful contrast to the chlorine blue waves beneath. Or perhaps lounging on a plush suede couch sipping on red wine before bed after a long day of swimming, sunning and tennis. Maybe even being surrounded by the family you haven't seen in months, all in the best of spirits because it's vacation silly.

But I'm sad. Because I don't know what I did wrong. I never get an explination I always get the blame. I know I've done wrong a thousand times before, but not knowing is frustrating and it leads to failure. I mean- I never understood biology and I had to take it three times! I didn't know anything! And until I had a teaching assistant who coached me through the entire course, I had no idea what was going on, therefore I couldn't succeed. the same goes for relationships. When you have no idea what's going on- you have no idea how to ameliroate, how to progress. . .how to end?

My mom confinscated my phone because it was making me cry. She has hid it and I won't get it back until. . .I don't know. I'm glad because it's been easier to focus on my tanning and tennis schedule. Yet the questions I have in my head are undying and unanswered- haunting. At times I want answers, other times I think maybe no answers will make it easier for both parties involved to realize what is best for eachother. I'd like to say staying in love, but, apparently we have nothing in common.

Who knows? All I know is I can't sleep. I can't focus on anything else right now except my Coppola Malbec and him. I know if I drink one more glass I'll pass out, but I'll surely wake up, wondering what he's doing three hours behind. Then I'll give myself a mental wrist slap and try to think about something else, something that doesn't cause the wounds in my heart to throb and once again let tears wet my sun kissed face.

Tuesday was better than Monday and today was better than yesterday. Tomorrow hopefully I won't think about whatever happened at all. Hopefully I'll be able to think more seriously about the pros and cons of moving back east and fixing my resume and renting kayaks and drinking beer with girlfriends who are in similar situations as I. Comisserating on the beach with booze will last for about five minutes and quickly segue into a good time. And that's what vacation is about.