Square 1, third time, last chance, etc etc

I guess I'm excited to return to Berkeley tomorrow. My two weeks of time off started out a bit rocky but gradually turned into what it should have been all along: a relaxing vacation. I suppose all the activities that make up a vacation have distracted me from the realities I will be facing when I step off the plane tomorrow; I'm still broke, I've got more than one relationship to resurrect and I'm still unsure of whether I want to stay in California. These troubles are minor to outsiders and I'm sure I have the power to squash them as soon as I get home so they do not turn into the humongous drama I allow to keep me up at night.

In November I flew to Berkeley and with high hopes began a new life. What transpired was less than perfect, it was nightmarish. Personal battles permeated into one of the most important relationships of my life and because it was so powerful it then trickled into a few friendships as well. In May I returned home for a wedding, but also made time to continue recreating a close relationship with my family, especially my mom. During that time I was intent on staying in Pennsylvania. Boarding my return flight I was filled with regret, sadness and dread. There was some hope, left over from emotional pow-wows I'd had with my mom, but I mostly wanted to throw open the emergency exits on the plane, glide down the inflatable slides and start all over again, even if it meant living with my parents again.

Third time's the charm, right? Tomorrow I'll sadly board the plane bringing me back to Berkeley. Yet as sad as I will be leaving my family once again, there is some excitement. Maybe two weeks has made the good ole' "absence makes the heart grow fonder" adage work. Two weeks away from my job and my apartment and my bills and my sour roommate situation has made me antsy to get back and ameliorate every part of my life- as soon as I get back.

Is my eagerness just one of those things? Kind of like reading a fitness magazine in a waiting room. In those five minutes before the doctor, dentist or whomever calls you into the examination room, you breeze through the pages and make yourself believe that once you get out of there you'll go straight home, lace up your running shoes and jog into your new life as an exercise fanatic. I mean- don't all those smiley, shiny, barbell wielding models look so happy?

But we all know what happens when you get home. You open the fridge, see the Olive Garden leftovers, slouch on the couch and lie to yourself that you'll lace up those running shoes tomorrow, when it's not so hot, when you're not so full, when your I-pod is charged.

I can't make a promise in this blogosphere that once I get off the plane I'll run to my roommate and try to make things right. That I'll spend the entire night of my return editing my resume and cover letter. I know I won't do it. My relaxation while on vacation has strangely and unexpectedly brought matter-of-fact clarity about certain situations in my life. I'm in love with an amazing patient man and I feel blessed that we've overcome so many bumps and take it as a sign we can get through anything. I realize that I have to get a second job, even if it's at Safeway. I have to quit avoiding problems and instead need to become more proactive and use the voice I have to express myself even if I'm wrong. I have to take help that people give me without feeling guilty but instead expressing gratitude. And I have to do what I love- which I'm not sure what that is, but I'm getting closer.

Again, these realizations may be a product of a stress free and love filled vacation. Once I return I may just fall back into old patterns. But I look at it as my last chance in California. If I want to make it fulfilling there are things I need to do. If I want to be lazy, I can remain broke and return to Pennsylvania to start at square one, except this time living with my parents.

I'll keep you posted.